“Ugh, I shouldn’t have eaten that.”
Sound familiar? We’ve all heard it at one point or another.
And then you start questioning yourself, “Wait, should I have eaten that either?”
You’re out to dinner with a group of girlfriends and notice that your friend hardly touches her plate, while you were starving and enjoyed every bite. You didn’t give your clean plate a second thought until you saw her barely eaten plate.
And then you feel guilty and begin telling yourself why you shouldn’t have eaten it all, even though you’re happily satisfied. And now you feel bad. “Well, I totally didn’t need to eat all that.”
Or you eat that cookie without hesitation, until your friend starts talking about how she is going to workout extra hard the next day to burn off those cookie calories. And now you think, “Maybe I should too.”
Should you drink that second glass of wine? Why is she ordering a salad? If I finish this entire plate does that make me gluttonous…or just hungry?
Food comparison and food shaming. It sucks the life out of experiences and our relationships with others. Sometimes it’s consciously, and sometimes it’s subconscious – we don’t even know we’re doing it until we step back to realize it or somebody calls us out on it. So how do we overcome it and start to associate food with nourishment, joy, and something to share with those we love instead of something used to condemn ourselves and others?
We stop looking at food as something to control and manipulate and instead view food as a gift..graciously given to us so we can nourish our bodies well. Given to us so we can thrive. Given to us to fully enjoy because it tastes awesome. Given to us so we can have the energy and passion and ambition to be who we were fully created to be.
My Nutshell clients can initially find it challenging to eat more and not compare what they are eating with what others are eating. We live in a culture where there is a sense of pride and accomplishment associated with eating less and not giving in to your hunger. That you somehow have more willpower and self-control because you can resist the urge to give you body what it simply needs. That somehow eating less makes you more feminine or something.
Over the past several years, I’ve had women tell me that they feel a sense of guilt or shame when they are eating more than those around them and wonder how to overcome those feelings. It’s much easier said than actually done – but simply put, you stop associating how much or what you eat with your worth or character.
Because food is just food.
It’s meant for nourishment and to be enjoyed and it has nothing to do with how self-disciplined you are, or how much willpower you have, and it certainly has nothing to do with your identity and worth.
Sometimes we might just be hungrier than the person we are eating with, and that’s okay. We make it way more complicate than that. In a culture where it’s normal to eat less and restrict more, eating three balanced meals a day with plenty of snacks is no longer necessarily mainstream. And that’s a shame.
Somehow we’ve misconstrued what a “normal” amount of food is, analyzed what we should be eating, and then convinced ourselves we should only eat such and such calories. And consequently, we’ve lost sight of the real purpose and beauty of food. It’s meant to give us energy and strength and vitality, and to an extent…bring us happiness. It’s how we celebrate with those we love and it’s a way to bring people together.
So when you shame yourself for eating something or when you compare how much you’re eating to how much the person next to you is eating, it’s damaging to everyone involved. In reality, nobody really cares how much you eat or how thin you are or how much you can resist your hunger. People don’t care about your pant size. They care about your heart.
When we get so wrapped in up in our bodies it’s actually ourselves getting wrapped up in our own egos. And when we begin to think not less of ourselves, but of ourselves less we can become the person we were fully created to be. There is freedom in that. We can start focusing on serving others, loving people well, realizing and living out our passions and finding joy. Because comparison is a nasty thief of joy.
So whether it’s a cookie your co-worker baked, a burger + fries out with friends or a ice cream cone on a hot summer night, there is no shame or guilt in that. It’s simply food. Meant to nourish us and allow us to thrive and be well. Not to build our pride and egos and make others feel bad.
Robyn – This post is great in so many ways. First off, I really love how you mentioned the ‘ego’ and how much power it has sometimes. I’m trying to learn how to take a step back from my ego and trust that not every thought is reality!
Curious if you have any ideas for me on the food shaming I endure. Oftentimes from co-workers I will get comments like “oh, you’re so good” if I eat a salad, or even something opposite like “wow- will you even be full from that?” or “that’s a lot of almond butter – jeez how much do you go through a week?” … “wow- you use a lot of salt … that’s bad for you, you know” … Eat a cucpake you won’t die.”
I honestly never know how to respond. Sometimes I mostly make light of it with a joke but it often really annoys me. I don’t feel like I food shame other people. Any advice on responding would be appreciated!!
My coworkers are like this too! It’s like they really scrutinize my food. I try not to react it it’s not easy! I’ve come to think that they actually have “issues” – for a lack of abetted word – with their own way of eating. Once my Tupperware was empty after I had eaten, my coworker comes in and says ” did you just have air again for lunch?”…anyway. As long as you feel good about what you eat and your food makes YOU feel good try not to care about what people say
Such an amazing post Robyn, with such an important message. Food comparison really does suck the life out of you. We have all been there with the “should I have eaten that?” question if our friend hasn’t had all of her dinner, and it is so easy to get caught in this cycle. But like you said, food is for nourishment and enjoyment! Thank you for this and being a HUGE inspiration to me!! <3 Have a great start to your week!
And when we begin to think not less of ourselves, but of ourselves less we can become the person we were fully created to be….
WOW! What a profound statement! Thanks for sharing your words of wisdom!
“somehow eating less makes you more feminine or something” -> THIS. What is it about women not supposing to have an appetite? I’ve had many men comment on how much I eat and it seriously drives me insane. Sadly it’s not just men thinking those thoughts either.
While it may not be as simply as “worry about yourself”, we’ve certainly got to try to do that. I try to remember how different our bodies are and how we have different needs and those needs aren’t based on how we look!
Thanks for another great post.
Beautiful post and so accurate. Food comparison sucks the joy right out of the company and food we might enjoy otherwise. It makes us feel like we’re “less,” when it really, really shouldn’t have any impact on our self-perceptions. Thanks. I know I needed the reminder, and I’m sure other people struggling out there as well.
Such a great post. I have been on both sides of the food guilt/shame spectrum and both are stupid. The more I learn about my body’ own needs and honor my preferences, the easier it gets to let that mind chatter go. Thanks for another great topic.
This is amazing! I find myself getting stuck in that comparison trap all the time and it’s very frustrating to overcome that guilt. We often forget the purpose of food, to nourish our bodies!
What a beautiful post! So very true! Thank you for sharing.
Oh my gosh! Great minds think alike. LOL. I just wrote a post about the comparison trap and leveraged good ole Roosevelt’s quote too. I didn’t copy, promise. Ha ha!
Food comparison was a major roadblock for me. I’m so glad to see someone else addressing it as well and bringing light to something that so many keep “hidden”.
I agree with every other comment so far on this post. This is amazing and definitely something I still struggle with even after overcoming my eating disorder. God created every body to look different and sometimes it’s all too easy to lose sight of that and start striving for a body that’s different from your own. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for continuing to shed light on this issue. I definitely needed this post today!
Wow Robyn, thank you for this post! It’s so uplifting and Christ-like. I hope it’s okay, I shared the link on my FB page. I know so many of us are caught up in this. Bless you. x
I was having a salad one day with some walnuts on it. Another girl made the comment of not eating nuts because they are so fatty. It stuck with me, and I found myself cutting out the nuts, because of her opinion, not because I was going crazy on the nuts and needed to control myself, but just her subtle shaming. She did it to me with Salmon as well…’oh I don’t eat such fatty fish’…my comment back was….it’s good, and the fats in it are good for you, nothing wrong with a bit of salmon when you want it. But still…i’m surprised how much it gave me a sense of guilt over eating my meal.
And then I did the same thing to a friend. She was eating an avocado, and for some reason, I had to make my comment of how I could never eat an entire avocado, that’s so much fat! I am still ashamed of that comment, and I don’t think I have ever seen her eat avocado around me again. I feel like that tiny stupid moment cost me a bit of her trust in me.
Thank you for this post, to compare really is to despair. I personally struggle with this because I have to eat a lot more than “average” to maintain a healthy weight, and right now I’m technically supposed to be gaining weight so I need that much more food. It’s something that’s very hard to do in a society obsessed with dieting.
This is great!! I used to work in an office where coworkers frequently judged others by what they ate. It was exhausting. It got so bad – I would avoid people during lunch, or just leave the office altogether. I no longer work with this organization, and it’s amazing how free I feel when I eat my lunch now.
I really struggle with shaming my food. I find that I take so much time and energy of seeing why Im eating wront (too much, not enough, etc.) that I end up not feeling satisfied with my meal and end up eating in a ravenous binge. Do you have any tips for people like me who cant seem to stop gaining weigh/binge eating. I know im not undereating, but even after a full day of eating well and enough, I still seem to binge (whether this is during breakfast, lunch, dinner, snack etc.)
I LOVE THIS. I definitely fall into this detrimental trap…more often than I’d like to admit unfortunately. But posts like this help me be more aware and mindful of it. Thank you.
This is soooo true and sooo well written! Thank you for sharing this I’ll definitely be sharing it for others to read too!
You could not have summed-up my feelings any better. It makes me so sad to see people (mostly women) judge themselves so harshly based on how much food they put into their bodies, to devalue there genuine needs and compare themselves others. It irks me even more that we have hit 2016 and it is still so difficult for many people to accept that their is no magic number of calories or macro nutrients or whatever that they should consume day in day out. I am so sick of seeing the disastrous results of those beliefs that are so culturally ingrained they have become normal. Everyone needs to read this. Everything you say here is just so on point.
This post is SO true. I’ve found myself doing this sometimes and then I realize, “what was the point of the comparisons?” I’m convinced it’s society preaching that we always have to look perfect, but thank you SO much for sharing this. I’m a huge fan of your blog. As a dancer who has overcome an eating disorder, I’m really interested in proper nutrition and helping others the way you do! 🙂 Thank you for being such an inspiration to me! 🙂
This post really spoke to me. I’ve been working for a long time on seeing my food and eating habits more neutrally. Sometimes I eat less; sometimes I eat more. And at certain times of the month, I eat a lot more bread, chocolate and peanut butter (sometimes all together). So what? I think this is how it works for most people, especially women with a menstrual cycle, but we are always trying to fight it. We live in a really health obsessed world. Today, it’s easier than ever to compare and pass judgements on eating habits and food choices with Instagram, social media, and other resources on the internet. But in the end, everyone is different in their needs and preferences. Just eat the food.
I found your blog from Anne’s website and I am so happy I found it! This is exactly what I needed to read this morning! 🙂 I love what I read and it brings me hope and perspective. I look forward to reading more from you. Have a great day! 🙂