My story about food and exercise probably has a lot of parallels with yours. That saddens me, uplifts me, and humbles me. The synchronicity of our experiences reminds me that bodies are organisms that seek nourishment when we disturb our metabolisms for our own comfort, the consequences are universal. Our bodies are vessels, and they cannot set us apart nor dictate our worth. Reading others courageous, beautiful stories has affirmed that reassuring truth for me.
My growing-up years looked great on paper, and in many ways, they were great. I had a loving family and many friends; I loved school, sports, and music. Although I managed to float on the surface of sadness, adolescence had its challenges. Three of my grandparents died in four months, which began the disintegration of my parents’ marriage. The closest substitute I had for a little sister died when we were young teenagers. People I loved struggled with moods darker than I could fathom. I grew up pretty fast, but I miraculously forestalled the stage at which girls begin to feel body-conscious, perhaps because I had a slight build to begin with. I was active but rarely “worked out. My family’s diet was nutritious but realistic, which probably stems from my mom’s struggle with an eating disorder in young adulthood. We ate whole foods most of the time, but we also had potato chips and cookies on hand. Through high school, I hardly ever worried or even thought about food.
In college, my eating and exercise behavior changed so gradually that many people failed to notice. It was part habit formation, part genetic predisposition, part mockery of societal norms, and part chance, but by the end of my sophomore year, I developed an eating disorder that damaged my body and ravaged my mind. I was driven less by concern over what my body looked like and more by the postmodern haze of virtue that surrounds restraint and self-mastery. Of course, my weight and appearance mattered to me, but mostly as a metric of the “success” of my restriction.
Though my descent was subtle, concerned friends, a perplexed boyfriend, and my mom noticed my changing behavior and my weight creeping downward. I knew in an abstract, scientific way that I had an eating disorder, and that eating disorders are dangerous. I just couldn’t acknowledge that I needed help. I didn’t want to worsen others concern, and I worried if I admitted I was unwell, I might be forced to get better. At my doctor’s encouragement, I half-heartedly saw a dietician and a psychologist, for one session each. Throughout college, I was a slew of paradoxes functional and successful in the presence of others, a mess when no one was looking, holding fast to God (indeed, His necessity was palpable when I was at my worst) and yet desecrating the body He gave me.
In the few years after I graduated, I enjoyed certain aspects of life, but worsening restriction and compulsive exercise had eroded most of what made living meaningful gratitude, joy, and peace were hard to come by. Like most people who interfere with their metabolisms, I had some odd, hunger-induced behaviors. I avidly read grocery store circulars. At work, I sometimes tried to defog my mind by secretly downing single sugar packets in the bathroom. The false euphoria of hunger mattered more to me than my weight. But, I stepped on a scale last winter just to check. My low weight surprised me, and I decided I should at least try to maintain. But I kept losing, and the last illusions of control I had were falling through my fingers. I began seeing a therapist, and at her patiently persistent recommendations, an RD. At the time, I was ready to admit I had a problem, but not ready to change. My meal plan seemed feasible on paper in my RD’s office. But once I got home, I would quietly put the paper in my file cabinet, where I could pretend to forget about it.
Last June, I thought I pulled my hip flexor while running. A few days after the onset, I woke up to find that I was in such severe pain I couldn’t make it to the bathroom. My doctors attributed the pain to overuse, gave me crutches, and prescribed Painkillers That Mean Business. I eventually learned I had piriformis syndrome, which means a muscle behind my glutes was inflamed enough to pinch the sciatic nerve that runs through it.
This injury rocked me. I could hardly move, let alone exercise. I spent a lot of time after work crying on my couch out of physical discomfort (pinched nerves really hurt), neurological discomfort (I was in endorphin withdrawal) and psychological discomfort (I couldn’t satisfy my exercise compulsion). I was flummoxed by myself. I had always been resilient, social, pragmatic, and giving. I realized that my disorder had divested me of these qualities.
My desperate body was begging me to rest. Blessedly, the binary, all-or-nothing mindset of an eating disorder convinced me that if I couldn’t exercise, I might as well eat more, too. After I got off crutches, I decided to follow my meal plan perfectly for just a day. The eating was excruciating. Somehow, I followed it again the next day. On the third day I told my therapist about my begrudgingly-accomplished “victory.” She asked if I would follow the meal plan that day, and I said I would try. She suggested that at this stage, “trying” was a moot point. I had been “trying” to recover for years. I could either eat adequately or not. I ate according to the plan that day, and the next, and the next, until I stopped counting the days.
That was nine months ago. I’m still eating, still prioritizing rest, and warily returning to exercise. My period has returned, and I got takeout Chinese food last night (!). I avoid messages that explicitly or implicitly advocate for restriction, moralize food, or idolize exercise. I am growing back into my clothes, but I still have more weight to gain. In all honesty, sometimes I crave full health and sometimes I miss the safe minimalism of my disorder. But I spent years pretending I didn’t want to eat bread. So when I don’t want recovery, I try to remember I have a lot of practice overriding my wants. These days, my will almost always conquers my transitory, disordered emotions.
As Robyn emphasizes a lot, sometimes even the actually-healthy “healthy living” dogma no longer applies. I can’t “eat when I’m hungry and stop when I’m full,” because my hunger cues are so variable. Mindful eating sounds nice in principle, but usually it’s easier for me to eat while distracted. Ironically, when I began recovery I portioned my food using measuring cups (which was never a behavior I used during my disorder), so that I could eat enough. I’d love to ditch the scale but I can’t – my RD weighs me regularly, and I know if she didn’t I wouldn’t trust myself to keep gaining.
I am slowly letting my disorder go with my hands facing upward instead of down; I am being given so much more to fill its place. The question I keep asking and answering is “What will you gain when you gain?” (Sorry, Special K marketing team.) I began caring for myself, and bent my knees waiting for the earth to shake. But the earth is still spinning along, and my legs are straightening out. Other people were integral in my recovery so if you’re contemplating disclosing your struggle, please do it. In this process, I realized that seeking support is not a denial of God’s goodness; indeed, it is often a manifestation of it. My self-exceptionalism tricked me into believing that I need less because I deserve less, or I deserve less because I need less. Recently, though, I’ve been reminded that grace and unconditional love have nothing to do with deserving. Gratefully, we cannot earn our worth.
Those of us who struggle with food and exercise maintain standards for ourselves that we would never wish on others. I don’t know much, but I do know that statistically, we can’t all be exceptions. Can you imagine treating ourselves with the same care we would offer to one another? My hope for us is that we can move toward that self-compassion, remembering that we are all loved beyond measure.
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