I got an email from a reader a few weeks ago, and then a similar email from another reader a week or so later. And their question shook me up…a lot. Because I never want women to feel this way, but unfortunately it’s hard to escape in our society. Especially with the 2017-app-infested-dating-world where you make it through the first round based on looks alone. Woof.
The theme of the two emails was feeling stuck. Stuck between accepting (and even loving) your body the way it is and at the same time wanting men to be physically attracted to you.
And I think what the emails whittled down to was yes, deep down knowing that the right guy will “accept you as you are.” But how do you, as a woman, fully accept your natural body and at the same time, believe a man will accept it to?
I’ve sat on this question for about 6 weeks now and all that keeps coming back to my heart and head are these two sentences.
Genuine men almost always accept {and love} a woman’s body before she does.
And a woman who is confident in who she is radiates, whereas a self conscious woman dissipates.
When I started dating Nick I was in the highest pant size of my life, and I still am. Not because something happened and I plan on getting smaller, but because I’ve settled where my body has naturally wanted to be all along. And this size feels so right and easily maintainable. This is my grown-up-non-diet woman body.
I also grew up with four brothers and at one point or another during my body bashing days they have told me, “Seriously…you are ridiculous. Shut up.” And my brothers have no problem being honest.
We as women, as a whole, have a very warped perception. We throw judgement onto ourselves and then in tern perceive that others hold the same judgements about us. When really, nobody is as focused on us as we are on ourselves.
I could type out how you’re beautiful and how any man worthy of your time and affection will love you for you. But I don’t really think that’s the part we have a hard time believing. I think we actually have a fierce misconception of beauty.
Therefore, we have a hard time believing we are lovely.
And that we are beautiful.
And that we are valued.
And that we are treasured.
Because it’s not your pant size that matters. It’s your heart. And no pant size can take away from a heart that is loving and gracious and selfless and full of life.
And if we, as women, focused on transforming our hearts + souls as much as we did our bodies, we’d turn the world upside down.
You were not created to please a man with your body. You are not obligated to carve your body into an arbitrary ideal for the opposite sex. What if instead, you focused on taking care of yourself so you could then give yourself fully to a relationship?
Because when you work from the inside out, when you focus on accepting and then loving your body, you also transform more and more into the person you were fully created to be. And those positive qualities within you that grow more and more profound – that is what a man is truly attracted to.
I’m three pant sizes bigger than I was five years ago, but I’m also a completely different woman than I was five years ago in the best of ways. That was how things settled out for me, because Robyn at three sizes smaller was far too focused on the exterior and barely concerned with the interior. And because of that, I attracted men that were after my body more than my heart.
Were there thoughts that popped into my head before I went on a beach trip with Nick for the first time? Yes, because I’m human. But then I repeated some positive affirmations to myself and called my friend Whitney for advice because she’s amazing. And then I made the choice to not engage in unhealthy thoughts and that was that. I chose to let any worldly thoughts or pressures bounce off of me instead of absorbing them.
Not surprisingly, in retrospect, those worries were so silly. Nick loves my body…yes. But way more importantly…he loves the woman I am because I’m not focused on my body.
Moving your body and eating nourishing foods and wanting to be “healthy” are all good things. But when they’re the main thing we’re focused on, they become not so good things. You are so much more than your body.
The shape of your tricep or the firmness of your thigh might reel a guy in, but it surely won’t keep him around.
so beautifully written. amazing amazing. wish every woman could read this!
I agree whole-heartedly with Hayley’s statement. This resonated so strongly with my mental struggle right now. It’s clear you put a lot of time and thought and passion into this post, and I truly hope many women will read it and be inspired to step onto the path towards who they truly are & can be, rather than who they are told they should be. Robyn, thank you as always for sharing your thoughts and inspiring us to become the best version of ourselves. <3
Love it
you. are. amazing!! Thank you for sharing <3 This is something I have struggled with for many, many years and I sometimes still struggle with it now. Luckily, I found a man who loves me just as I am but I think it is so important that I LOVE ME. Which is, well, hard.
thank you thank you thank you for sharing this!!!
Ohmigosh this spoke to me sooo much. I have found that in order to truly accept my body, I have to continuously remind myself that I will and can be loved, no matter my body size. It was so easy to become angry with by body rather than work through my thoughts and stress. Sometimes I still struggle with the idea (especially since I’m a senior in high school, so I’m surrounded by girls demeaning their natural size), but I have been able to move beyond that:) Whenever I am having a bad day, I remind myself that my body is not what is worthy of love, but my whole self (and that no matter how much weight I gain/ lose, I will be loved the same.) Just as you said, when the focus is off of my body, my relationships are able to become stronger and deeper. Thank you so so SO much for this post ❤️
You are worthy of love NO MATTER WHAT. whole self > body …I love that. Remember WHO you are not what you look like. xoxo
the fact that you took so long to think about this shows that you really love the women who come hear to read your advice and hear your heart on these things; it breaks my heart that there is so much emphasis on body shape, but I am so thankful that you are not emphasizing that and you continue to promote such FREEDOM!
Thank you for your comment Emily! There is light in this dark world. xoxo
This is one of the most beautiful things you’ve written.
<3
Yes, yes, yes. 1,000 times yes! I specifically remember having a conversation with my now-husband about why we didn’t start dating until a few years after we met. At the time of our meeting, I was deeply entrenched in anorexia, but I still had feelings for him. What he said went something along the lines of: “I couldn’t try to date and give my love to someone who wasn’t available to accept it.” That has really stick with me- how can I possibly accept someone’s love for me when my behaviors and thoughts tell me I’m not even worthy enough to love myself? It’s certainly a journey, but loving myself (which for me, meant allowing myself to occupy more space and not try to be smaller in this world) led us into a fulfilling relationship and now marriage.
Thank you for the message you send, Robyn! You’re a gem in this whole blog world!
Thank you for sharing Wendy! You have an amazing man 🙂
Hey Robyn!
I just started reading your blog – and normally would not comment – but something inside me told me to reach out! This post spoke to me so loudly, especially as I recently moved to the city in September to start my Masters at Columbia. I would like to think I have a pretty healthy relationship with my body, but working and cultivating the inside – my heart- takes a lot of time, work, and faith. I find that it is easy to lose yourself in the rush of the city, racing from point A to point B, without taking the time to work from the inside out. And this makes such a difference with dating! Like you said, to attract a guy for who you are, you have to love yourself first.
Anyway enough of my rambling! All this to say, thank you so much for this post and thank you for being you!
Self care is extra hard in the city! Remember that nothing is as urgent as caring for yourself and remember that being in school (especially at Columbia) can be a pool that breads comparison but you are YOU and that’s amazing. Thank YOU for reading and good luck!!
I agree with all you said for “other people” but cannot internalize this belief for myself. I hate this body and feel disgusted and sure that no man would ever accept me because of the ugliness.
We truly are our own worst critics. Just earlier today I was thinking that if I was a guy, I’d go running in the other direction from me because of my flaws, but in reality, we can’t expect someone to love us when we can’t love ourselves for the women God created us to be. This is something I really need to work on, but I hope you know that you are loved and that the right man is out there somewhere for you (and me). We are fearfully and wonderfully made and precious in God’s sight.
P.s. Robin, you are a beautiful soul. Thanks for the reminder today <3 <3
xoxox Danielle! You are lovely.
Hi B – I would encourage you to hop over to Kylie’s blog http://www.immaeatthat.com and read a lot of her posts on body image. Lots of love to you <3
I love this post! Thanks for responding so thoughtfully.
I think a man- a mature, healthy man- wants to be with a woman who values and respects her body, regardless of what she looks like. This does NOT mean that she has to go the the gym every week or eat a perfect diet or wear fancy clothes and lots of make up. Valuing and respecting your body means doing what works for YOU. This will look like a very wide variety of different shapes, sizes, and lifestyles. But it won’t look like starving yourself. It won’t look like locking yourself in your bedroom and eating everything in sight every night. It won’t look like talking about how awful your body looks. It won’t look like wearing baggy, old clothes because everything else makes you feel fat. It won’t look like beating yourself up because you didn’t go to the gym.
Yes yes and more yes. Well said Abby
Thank you so much for this post, Robyn. I’ve been really struggling with my body image lately, and I needed this post. Thank you for your positive, realistic attitude and mentality toward health…. God has used your blog to be a huge encouragement to me the past few years.
I am so glad you are finding encouragement here Lauren. Keep saturating your heart + mind in positive things on the internet 🙂
I remembered having a discussion with my now husband. It was about the first time we really met. He said, ” I remembered the first time I saw you. I just knew I wanted to get to know you. The way you carried yourself and your smile was mesmerizing.” He wanted to be with be not because I was a certain size or the color of my eyes, but because I was happy and confident and loved myself.
YES YES YES
I love your response about genuine men because I think it’s so true. And we can learn so much from those genuine men that it’s what on the inside that counts.
Oh my goodness YES. Nick has been such a huge part of the healing process with my body. xo
Thanks for sharing this Robyn! As someone who is struggling with dating and has always struggled with body image, this certainly resonated. I’ve made a lot of positive strides, but this is such a great reminder!
I’m so glad it’s resonated Ali! xoxo
Yes this is amazing! Also you are so thin and beautiful I can’t imagine you 3 sizes smaller! Surely that could not have been healthy. Thanks for sharing!
At the time it didn’t seem “that unhealthy” because many girls in college are “thin” but being in my body now I’m like omg how was I that size?! xoxo
I can completely agree with what you said about you “grown-up-non-diet woman body.” I believe I’ve found what mine is supposed to be too, because I feel the same way about it – effortless and intuitive and NOT hyper focused on it. Even though I was already married during my body shift, I had fears that my husband would like my body less as it grew. And while he’s affirmed he loves it all the more, what it really boils down to is that he just doesn’t care that much anyways. He didn’t marry me for my body.
Thank you for writing this!
YES SO TRUE…he literally does not care! And when we realize that it is SO freeing!
Preach. Love this.
^^ insert praise hand emoji
You are my favorite! Thank you for perspective, honesty, and truth – always. This is a beautiful post and hits close to home for me!
Much love from Michigan!
xoxo
so so glad it resonated traci! lots of love to you!
That last line… Wow, so true. Such a good post!
so glad you enjoyed 🙂
Brilliant!!!!: “And if we, as women, focused on transforming our hearts + souls as much as we did our bodies, we’d turn the world upside down.” I have heard the quote where if we as women accepted our body how so many industries and businesses would go bankrupt. But your comment on how if we were not side tracked with our external, as we are pressured by society and businesses, we, as women, would rise up and take over the world, made me realize that all of these beauty/diet businesses are not just about making money off of women, but also function to keep us distracted from actually rising to equality with men. Maybe.
So many would go bankrupt – the diet industry makes SO MUCH MONEY. they keep us from living our our purpose and becoming who we were fully created to be xo
What a beautiful, honest post! Thank you!
Your inner beauty absolutely shines in this post. Everything write is absolutely on point. It is so sad to think that society has warped the perception of the female body so badly that women feel like they won’t find a partner in life, unless they fit into this unnatural box. It’s enough to make you scream! Yes, I’ve been down that road and thankfully was able to find my way off.
It’s heartbreaking, but my hope is that the way we think about our bodies shifts so our daughters get to live in a society that’s changed for the better 🙂 so glad you’re off that road
I love you so much!! Seriously. Our world needs so.much.more of this!! So important for women to hear. <3
This post came at the truly perfect time for me! Thank you:-) This is such an important thing to remember and yet still so hard to totally believe and accept in a society that bombards us with the opposite message. Sometimes I like to remind myself that no man i’ve dated has had a “perfect” body and I never cared, it never changed how I felt about him, so why should I assume that men will expect a “perfect” body from me. And in reality- there are men and women who do care more about the outside than the inside, but i neither want to be that woman nor date that man.
Thank you again for sharing!
This truly resonated with me. Thank you so much for writing this because these are the words that I have desperately needed to hear (or read, I guess). You are a beautiful soul and and inspiration. Thank you so so so much
Wow, thank you so much for posting this! This whole topic resonates with me in a very different, but very real way. All throughout high school and college I was obsessed with being as skinny, pretty, etc as possible to attract guys – because that validation was what I thought would finally make me happy. As I started to recover from disordered eating and thinking, it helped me realize that I was never going to be skinny enough to feel comfortable allowing myself to date a guy, but that’s because I’m gay. However, being a woman dating another woman opens up a whole new set of opportunities to scrutinize my body and compare it to women I might want to date. It’s an interesting concept that I could probably write a book on, but all this to say – the concept of a real partner loving you for your heart, not just your body, applies across genders as well. I, too, am at my largest pant size and have accepted that as my healthy weight. My girlfriend has the figure I’d always dreamed of having and thought would make me happy – but she loves me because I don’t do everything I can to look just like her. It’s so liberating.
Sorry this comment got so long, but your post really spoke to me – thank you for being open and vulnerable on this topic! <3
You are the best. Seriously! (Side note unrelated to this post: I love how you make everyone feel like your friends… I wish we were friends in real life! Haha)
I even have these thoughts now that I am married… clearly they’re lies and I have to actively fight them. But what a testament that “marriage won’t fix it.” I think I imagined that I’d get married and not have as many of those thoughts. But it doesn’t come down to the relationship to fix it. It’s up to me whether I’m ready or not to accept my body. Loved reading this, girl. So good. xoxo
ohh you’re sweet – you guys ARE MY FRIENDS!
My husband does love my body. I am the same size I was when I met him 25 years ago, though after 25 years and two children the shape is a bit different. But part of me wants to say that this attitude is easy for you to have. Your biggest size ever looks like the size I wish I were. I don’t hate my body and I refuse to starve myself and overexercise as I did for so many years, trying to maintain a weight not meant for my body to sustain. However, it’s hard to give up the fantasy that someday I’ll have a body shape I love.
Robyn, you are my favorite blogger – of all time! You help and inspire so many people, including those who never leave a comment, like me.
Thank you for all your hard work, your vulnerability and wisdom, courage and kindness. (I hope you believe in karma!)
Your husband to be is so lucky to have found a woman with such a huge heart.
I believe in Jesus 🙂 Thank you for reading! Have a wonderful weekend Koala 🙂
I do too. But I also hope that you can feel the love from those that need and appreciate your work. Karma was not the best word 🙂
🙂 absolutely I feel the love and appreciate you all SO much! xoxo
this is a topic so dear to me because my boyfriend is probably one of the most supportive person esp when im having days where i dont like my body. it is a blessing to have someone who loves you from inside out instead of just out. i have seen many husbands/boyfriends who are so quick at ridiculing their significant other’s eating habits, body type, or weight in a joking way but it’s not right…
Love how genuine you are, thank you. This is random, but I’ve been hearing a lot about intermittent fasting lately and am seriously confused on if it’s effective or worth trying. I trust your word, so I’d hugely appreciate hearing your two cents on the subject. Thank you!!
I have a YouTube video on this — watch below 🙂
https://www.thereallife-rd.com/2016/01/intermittentfasting/
“…but because I’ve settled where my body has naturally wanted to be all along. And this size feels so right and easily maintainable. This is my grown-up-non-diet woman body.”
i LOVE THIS.
i am a wife and a mama of
2 crazy magical
little girls
and this is my
(despite not working out bc like…no time/shifted priorities)
this is my strong, amazing
grown-up non-diet
woman BODY.
YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
and THANK YOU FOR THIS!
xoxoxoxo
cheers to the non-diet WOMAN body!
xoxo
Absolutely love this post <3
“The shape of your tricep or the firmness of your thigh might reel a guy in, but it surely won’t keep him around.”
Wow. This final statement really resonated with me. Living on a college campus, it seems that there is a hugeeee emphasis on working out to look good and get boys. A huge part of my recovery process has been understanding my insecurities in relationships, so I was hesitant to read a post that addressed some of my biggest fears.
Your words were so true and so comforting. When I was at my smallest, I was forcing myself into someone I was not – I was never truly present in the world, and I couldn’t be my true self in any of my relationships.
And why would you want someone who only wants you when you’re not your truest self?
absolutely – walking is WHO YOU ARE and loving yourself is how you are able to fully love others
xoxox
Robyn, this is one of my favorite posts you have ever written, and that is saying A LOT because your blog helped to get me through a disordered eating pattern and helped me find freedom. You are incredible, and I am so encouraged by everything you write. Thank you for always speaking truth in love. <3
Hi Courtney – I’m super humbled that my blog has been so refreshing in your life (and so overjoyed for you! ) Thank you for reading, xoxo
Oh. My. GOSHHH!!!! It’s like this post was written for and about me and the very thing I’m going thru. I just dodged the proverbial bullet by breaking up with a gentleman who had many great qualities, but his not so great ones included chipping away at my self esteem. Early in the relationship he said “you have let yourself go”. It burst my bubble because I was feeling pretty good about myself. I am a psych nurse and even I let someone for 6 months make me feel less. He was a douche for that, but it’s also on me for allowing it even for a second, much less for 6 months, or for maybe thinking for one iota that he was right. My body has birthed a child, it has a few stretch marks and a little jiggle, but I have laughed and laughed, because it is a pretty smokin’ hot piece of flesh, so he is the loser for wanting an AI version or a body that doesn’t exist except in photoshopped pictures or plastic surgeon offices. Go him, because he had the right to his opinion, but go me for not settling for a condescending asshole. I love my body, and my deceased husband of 30 years loved my body. So if I’m not accepting of myself why should anyone else. That will be a requirement from now on!!!