The more I immerse myself in the anti-diet world the less vulnerable I feel to diet messages. Diet culture still surrounds me, but my mind feels wrapped in anti diet bubble wrap so it’s protected from diet messaging. But when I find myself in new situations or spending time with new people, I more often than not (which is a sad reality that I hope changes in our generation) overhear so much diet talk. It’s a stark reminder of the prevalent diet culture and language unless we take an active role in disengaging from it.
Some things I’ve heard that have stuck out lately are…
“I read that _____ causes your body to _____.”
“I feel so full. Ughhh. I’m eating all the vegetables next week.”
“My friend has such an awesome body and she says that she eats _____ .”
And then you wonder, “Wait, should I have eaten that?”
And most frequently…. “Ugh. I shouldn’t have eaten that.”
Maybe you’ve found yourself at dinner with your friend and she isn’t that hungry so she orders a couple appetizers for her meal. You had your mind set on the hamburger and fries. You were looking forward to that burger until she ordered appetizers and now you’re second guessing yourself.
Maybe you eat a cookie without hesitation, until your friend starts talking about how she is going to workout extra hard the next day to burn off that cookie. And now you’re wondering if maybe you should too?
Should you drink that second glass of wine? Why is she ordering a salad? If I finish this entire plate does that make me gluttonous? Or was my body simply hungry for that amount of food?
I’ve been there. Justifying my food decisions based on another person or some other arbitrary food belief. Maybe you have too?
Food comparison and food shaming sucks the pleasure and joy right out of food.
How can we overcome this? How do you quiet the noise, tune into your own body’s wisdom and in turn…build confidence in how you nourish and care for yourself?
When other parts of our lives feel chaotic or messy….we often look to food as something to control and manipulate. And when we start to feel a feeling that we don’t want to feel because it’s painful and uncomfortable….we often use food to avoid experiencing that emotion or feeling. Either way, food is used to satisfy an unmet need.
In both my own experience and in practice I’ve observed a common awkward and uncomfortable, yet freeing and relieving transition that occurs when we give ourselves permission to eat according to hunger + satisfaction instead of diet rules. It feels liberating to not be under arbitrary food and exercise expectations…but it’s also an uphill battle to stop comparing what we eat to other people. We live in a culture where pride and accomplishment are associated with eating less, suppressing hunger and controlling the food that goes into our mouths. There’s pride in working against our own physiologic needs. Doesn’t that sound odd?
Given our culture, it’s almost natural and expected to feel guilt or shame when eating more than those around you. We have attached so much morality to food.
How do we get to place where food is completely neutral? Because food is just food. Yes, it’s meant for nourishment. But also for pleasure and satisfaction and enjoyment and experience. It has nothing to do with self-discipline, willpower, identity and worth.
When I was in the beginning of this intuitive eating journey and embracing my natural body size, I would often think about what I wanted to come to mind when people thought about me. I didn’t want others to associate dieting, a “perfect” body, clean eater, avid runner, vegan or anything else like that with me. When people thought of me I didn’t want the first thing that came to mind to be about food rules or my body. How uninteresting!
I wanted people to think of SO many other things when they thought of me. Hobbies or passions or personality traits or other interesting things. Anything but my food and exercise habits or my body size. If you’re struggling with identity, food comparison or morality maybe that’s helpful for you too.
It’s easy to get wrapped in up in ourselves and our body image. And that makes it hard to focus on anything or anyone else. Thinking about other people – whether that’s focusing on the conversation at dinner or thinking of others needs or being there for a friend – helps to take the focus off ourselves and the minutia of food.
Yes food is nourishing, but it’s also suppose to bring pleasure and joy. In fact, with intuitive eating—which has been shown to lead to better health outcomes than dieting and restrictive eating—pleasure is one of the 10 central principles. And in order to find pleasure in food, we have to stop looking outward at what other’s are doing and instead hone into our own body’s wisdom.
As always, if you have thoughts please share them in the comments. I love hearing what you guys have to say too 🙂
I find myself feeling a lot like you described in this post… I’ve gotten to a great place with myself- fully wrapped up in that anti-diet bubble wrap!!- but it can feel like the outside world is full of thumbtacks trying to pop all those bubbles. I especially notice it in new social situations. One way I’ve started looking at it is that we are all on a spectrum of disordered eating and if I am around someone who is being restrictive or making diet-mentality comments, I just see them as being at a different place than I am RIGHT NOW, but I have empathy for them, because I’ve been there, too. It helps me feel less self-conscious of my own choices when I choose to see it that way.
It’s actually really interesting that you posted this today, because yesterday I was reflecting on how sometimes when I am nervous in a new social setting or trying to connect with someone I don’t know very well, I will make comments that do not reflect how I really feel about dieting. It’s almost as if, just to put myself and others at ease or to create a common denominator, I will chime into diet-chatter and say something like “Oh I totally earned this cookie” or something along those lines. I realized yesterday that this is not very authentic of me ((I’m putting on a mask because it feels easier in the moment)) nor is it promoting the kind of social environment that I want to be in! It reminds me of the scene in Mean Girls when Lindsay Lohan is so confused by the other girls body-shaming themselves so she makes up some weird self-criticsm about her morning breath. I speak diet language just to have something to talk about or to appear relatable. Now that I have some awareness around this behavior, I will be working towards making a shift. Maybe you could do a Part II of this post (or maybe you’ve already written something about this) about how to redirect conversations from diet mentality or how to be present when that kind of talk is going on around you.
Thanks Robyn!!
Yes, redirecting conversations… I’d also love to see a post on that.
Such a great idea! Would love that blog post as well.
I LOVE THIS SO MUCH TRISTA!
One way I’ve started looking at it is that we are all on a spectrum of disordered eating and if I am around someone who is being restrictive or making diet-mentality comments, I just see them as being at a different place than I am RIGHT NOW, but I have empathy for them, because I’ve been there, too. It helps me feel less self-conscious of my own choices when I choose to see it that way.
And I think the topic you’ve brought up about redirecting conversation is a great post idea and something I will post on – I can so relate to this myself and know others can too! Thank you <3
Your whole comment totally hit home for me! Especially the part about saying things that we don’t want to say (and awesome connection to Mean Girls!)…I find that diet talk is so ingrained in our culture, and I always feel awkward when I don’t participate. But then I have friends who sit there and don’t participate and I always think “wow, good for them!” So hard!
I have been lovinggg your graphics lately! I am constantly reorienting my perspective on food towards pleasure and it has made ALL the difference. It is a fun journey to be on. As always I am thankful for these types of posts and for your transparency!
This is such a great explanation and great examples of food shaming. I know for myself, the social aspect of food has been one of the most difficult to overcome. In fact, I don’t think I really noticed how much I was allowing social situations to dictate my food choices until I started my intuitive eating journey. Through my journey, I found it much easier to allow myself the foods I wanted and give into cravings more when I was alone rather than in the company of others. I can also speak to the identity piece. It was very difficult for me to let go of being a “runner” and having that identity when I began trying to incorporate more intuitive movement. But as with any change – it gets easier! I can remember when I REALLY struggled with knowing who I was if I wasn’t a runner. But now I know that I’m an entrepreneur, doggie parent, daughter, wife, counselor, writer, wannabe violinist and much more. I feel like I finally found my true self when I let go of who I thought I wanted to be.
I love everything about this article. One of the phrases I hate to hear is “I shouldn’t have eaten that”. You always articulate this topic so well. Love reading!
I agree Marsha!
yess it takes a while to get on board with intuitive eating because its everything we have told not to do…but once you have that control, life is so much better. always love your posts on these topics!
It does take a while and it’s such a journey!
Robyn!
I love the point you made about what we want others to think of when they think of us… definitely not food. Thank you for sharing your encouraging words with us, as always. This post brought me peace. I hope you and Nick have a wonderful day!
This side of Heaven,
Summer Rae
I’m so glad it resonated Summer <3
Wow, this whole thing! “Why is she ordering a salad? If I finish this entire plate does that make me gluttonous?” ALL THE TIME. “We live in a culture where pride and accomplishment are associated with eating less, suppressing hunger and controlling the food that goes into our mouths. There’s pride in working against our own physiologic needs.” WOWOW. So many truth bombs in here. This is so good. I need to come back and read this again and again. I especially love the last bit about identity–it’s so true! This. So good. Thanks, Robyn! xoxo
🙂 thanks for reading Erin!
Love this SO much. Preaching to the choir 🙂
This post is everything I needed. Having overcome an eating disorder and HA, I feel like I’m in a pretty good place right now. I recognize that I could be a little farther along in my journey, but overall, I don’t have a lot of thoughts of food being “good” or “bad.” However, I am susceptible to being influenced to eat less when I’m in social situations. This past Friday night I found those thoughts creeping in when a friend and I were enjoying dessert together. I found myself closely watching to see whether or not she was going to finish hers, and it was like I wanted to give myself permission to finish mine.
Also, similar to a commenter above, I had a terrible time letting go of my identity as a runner. For years I would feel so excited when people would ask me about my running because it meant they thought of me as a runner! When I decided to take a hiatus, people would ask, and I would feel disappointed that I had to reply, “I’m taking a break from running right now…” and I never wanted to explain the nitty gritty of why I was doing so. I still feel a twinge of jealousy when I see others who are “runners.” I’m trying to let go fully, but it’s a deeply rooted issue for me, and I continue to struggle. May I just say that your blog (and some others) has been a major influence in my recovery, and I’m so grateful for it!
This last paragraph…. I CAN SO RELATE. I feel so lame when I say that I don’t really run anymore and I feel like I can’t explain to people WHY. Also, sometimes it feels like no one wants to listen when I just say I don’t run anymore. And I get so jealous of other runners, especially on a beautiful fall morning!!! I am struggling right there with you, Ashley <3
Letting go of that identity is so hard! We feel validated in that and finding our worth and value in other things that might not be as “socially sexy” is really hard. I am rooting for you Ashley! <3
I really enjoyed this article, I think intuitive eating is the way to go to have a healthy and fully abundant life around food. I think it helps a lot of people who have disorderly relationships with food or who are prone to it, heal. Here is the BUT. . . I also feel somewhat taken back and a little hurt by comments that put negative feelings towards people who do run or are considered avid runners. . . I know this probably wasn’t your intent and was simply your own journey or escaping from a label that possibly sends you into the diet culture vortex. I am an avid runner and I love running and have no shame in someone describing me in that context, nor do I find that uninteresting. Run a mile in my shoes and I guarantee it is a lot more than one foot in front of the other. Competitive running for me embodies discipline, perseverance, and strength in mind and body. Running is so much more to me than perhaps what others may associate it with, being simply cardio for weight management or loss. Running is my medicine, it is what alleviates stress, I run for the scenery, I run for clarity, I run because I love it. I have just come upon this intuitive eating information scene and I hope that there isn’t the tone of a “better than those who do diet” mentality (I don’t diet- my mentality has always been I eat to fuel my body. I hope there isn’t less tolerance and pity placed on people who do exercise /train hard for reasons other than what some may think they do it for, or assume what their own personal why is. Yes I think diet culture is very embedded into our thoughts and there needs to be a push back, just not so far pushing that there is push against people trying to do what they love to do. . . . regardless if it wasn’t a good thing for somebodies own personal life. There are no uninteresting things, just uninterested people. (which is ok that we all like different things- keeps talking to others interesting and increases our own learning) Sorry that was looooooooog. I really do appreciate the work you have done and I am super interested and learning a ton! 🙂
Hey,
I want to respond since I wrote a bit about running in my original comment. I didn’t do a great job because I didn’t explain that I took a break from running because I was in the midst of an eating disorder and extremely disordered relationship with exercise. It led me to have HA, and that’s part of why I had to stop. I’m slowly getting back into it because I truly do love it, but I had to get my head in the space where I just enjoy it rather than obsess over it and guilt myself into running XYZ miles every single day whether I felt like it or not. It was an idol for me. Anyway, you gave me the benefit of the doubt when you said it probably wasn’t my intention to hurt, and you’re absolutely right. However, I’m sorry that it was!
Hi Robyn! Thanks for your comment, I appreciate it and hopefully can bring some clarity 🙂
For me, I didn’t want to be known as “Robyn the avid runner and healthy eater” since I had an idolization with running and an unhealthy relationship. There were so many more interesting things about me that I wanted people to be able to see. I don’t think running by itself is uninteresting at all — now that I’ve reclaimed a healthy relationship with running I really enjoy it – but I still don’t want that to be the only thing people know me for since there are so many other interesting things we have to offer the world and others!
It totally depends on the intentions and motivations behind the behavior and I think it’s okay for one person’s story and relationship to running to be different than another’s…that’s what makes us all unique.
I have just come upon this intuitive eating information scene and I hope that there isn’t the tone of a “better than those who do diet” mentality –> I agree, I think we have to be aware of this and let go our our judgements and biases and know, in most circumstances it’s rarely about the behavior but rather the mindset. I hope that helps and thanks for sharing! <3
Love this post! I grew up overweight and to this day I find myself always comparing myself to others when food is involved. I’m learning intuitive eating, but I still find myself self-consious about what I eat at times compared to others.
Thank you for sharing this post, it’s nice to know that it’s not just me!
I really needed to read this post today. I’ve been struggling with debilitating feet issues for several months, with no guarantee of full recovery. Today I was reflecting on how given my current limitations on exercise, I’m wrestling with my loss of identity as a “fit person,” temporarily and/or long-term. Reading that you want to be known for so much more than your exercise or food habits was a needed reminder that there are many other valuable aspects to my whole self, outside of my relationship with and level of fitness.
SO annoying to constantly hear that kind of food shame/comparison talk. I’m getting really good at just tuning people out and zoning out until they move to a less aggravating topic.
The comparison bit still gets me though, but I’m workin’ on it. I find whenever I go out to eat with a friend,, I ALWAYS eat more than them, and it’s really hard to not feel guilty. I’ll have a clean plate while they’re saying “gosh I’m so full” with half their meal left uneaten. I’ve got to remind myself, I don’t know what they’ve eaten all day, their body has completely different food needs than mine, and IT DOESN’T MATTER. Especially that last bit. What I eat and what someone else eats means nothing!! I’m getting better at just enjoying my food, and enjoying the time spent with a friend.
Great post Robyn! I’m going to quote you on IG if that’s cool… I love your point on what you want to be known for or what you want others to associate with you.
I love this! It can be SO hard to ignore these types of comments or to respond in a constructive way. A lot of times this culture makes me want to curl up with a book and eat alone..which is for sure okay sometimes, but i do think food can be so much fun to share with others. So, this is for sure a challenge for me. Thanks for sharing!
I love sharing food with other people! I especially love cooking and eating with them. While eating alone can be really nice at times, eating with people always forces me to smile and enjoy my food that much more. Eating with someone who also is into intuitive lifestyle practices is also such a great experience as it just nails home healthy mentality thoughts even further for me. I think (and am curious as to what other people think) that for people with eating disorders you’re supposed to not talk about food that much but I think for people with just slightly disordered thoughts occasionally this is awesome.
I love how you mentioned sharing a meal with intuitive eaters brings even more positivity into the meal – I so agree! I think it depends on the conversation whether or not it would be helpful or harmful. Love the conversation you’re starting here Savannah 🙂
WOW. YES. YES. YES! Not attaching morality to food is something I have wrestled with so much, and this was the good gentle slap in the face I needed to be reminded that food is just food. We can order each what we need and what we’re craving without judging ourselves or others for what they get. I really appreciate you always delving deeper into the heart behind these struggles Robyn; you understand them so well with such sensitivity and truth.
I’ve struggled with this almost daily for the past couple of years, and I recently realized that (in addition to the other things going on in my life that began two years ago that made me feel out of control, plus post-college/no-longer-a-teenager/grown-up woman body changes) being in an office environment exacerbated my comparison tendencies/feelings of food shame and unkind body image thoughts.
I wondered why I never noticed it as much in college–I’m certain it was there, but I just wasn’t as tuned into it because I wasn’t in a place where I was having unkind body thoughts, at least not to the degree I have these days–but in an office environment, especially with women in their 20’s-30’s, it is just CONSTANT and UNCEASING and quite frankly, sad!
The day I brought in a sandwich to my first office job at an internship in NYC and got looked at like it was this cute, naive thing that I was doing, like “oh you’re so young, I remember eating sandwiches…you’ll learn” and in response I stopped bringing sandwiches or felt the need to over-justify bringing in a pita to dip my soup into or spread hummus on, was the day that my view changed forever. It was the day that salads for lunch weren’t just a thing I genuinely enjoyed, but it was the *right* kind of lunch to have. Smoothies were a fine choice as long as they only had a small amount of fruit in them because of the sugar, obviously…NEVER a whole banana!!! Oatmeal was suddenly too carby to have for breakfast unless I kicked the crap out of myself in a calorie-incinerating spin class earlier that very morning. There were “skinny snacks” and “fat snacks,” and there were days when I was “good” and days where my teammates and I were being “so bad, oh my god!” Cupcakes for a person’s birthday in the office where a thing to hover around, fear, and split into tiny pieces. Bachelorette parties and weddings were a deadline and a goal weight/size to reach, not an occasion to look forward to or celebrate.
Because of bloggers like you and Kylie and Alexis, and because of the Food Psych podcast (honestly between you guys and Christy, it’s why I’ve made any progress at all!) I’m much more tuned into the diet mentality talk/food shaming/comparison and am getting better at combating it at least for myself, but I still find myself noticing what other people eat compared to what I eat. I find myself having the belief “I shouldn’t be hungry if other people aren’t hungry.”
And most of all, as much as I want to talk to the women I work with about things they say or do, and offer this different perspective versus the diet mentality and normative discontent loop constantly playing (especially since I’m so passionate about it now and try to surround myself with content and influencers and people who feel the same way), it feels weirdly…like the choice to do so would be the choice to isolate myself, in a way. Like doing so would mean that I’m not playing the game, that I’d be questioning or taking away something we supposedly have “in common” — like “we’re all women who don’t like our bodies, seek to control our body size and fear changes that aren’t socially acceptable, and see food as the enemy and exercise/controlling our eating as the solution…because of course we are and of course we do, right? That’s just the way it is, even though we never acknowledge it.” I wish I was a little braver in that respect, but at least I’m doing better myself at tuning out their words and actions and focusing on myself, which is a victory in and of itself for me.
Long story short — it’s really, really hard. And posts like this make me (and I’m sure others too) feel less alone and less crazy and even more vigilant about trying to shift our mindset out of this negative feedback loop. So thank you, as always, Robyn <3
Oh goodness Shannon THANK YOU for sharing this – it is sadly the reality for many women and a recurring theme I hear when patients talk about their work environment here in the city. You are SO BRAVE for combatting this perpetuated mindset and culture so keep at it! Even though I know it’s hard and against culture, your “normalized” behaviors around food will be noticed and they will bring freedom for others too.
Like the choice to do so would be the choice to isolate myself, in a way. Like doing so would mean that I’m not playing the game, that I’d be questioning or taking away something we supposedly have “in common”
It’s unfortunate that this is all too common, but I believe we can and will see a change in our generation<3
Totally agree on this comment. I feel the same, like I would not want to mention anything for fear of being different and having nothing to relate to. It would be great to see a blog post on something like this on how we can change the subject or what to say!
This post is great! Competition is so prevalent and invasive. It’s so hard when as you’ve put it we’ve “attached morality to food”. I feel that this is such a hard concept for people to step away from. If you want to eat a food then it’s good! There are no other external factors that make a food good or bad.
http://www.reallifewander.com
This was a great post. Long time reader, first time commenting. I find this often happens when I go on girls trip and we are out to dinner. When someone comments “I feel soooo fat and full” after eating what I think is a fairly normal, maybe slightly indulgent meal, I really start to feel bad. I work out a lot to feel good, but I also like to enjoy food, especially on a vacation. This post is a great reminder that food really is just food. Thanks Robyn!
Hi Betsy! And thanks for commenting – I so hear you. It can be frustrating how easily swayed our minds can be to second guessing our own food choices and feeling shame there. I’m glad it resonated 🙂
This post is simply perfect. Once again, I’ve loved reading every single of the words you’ve written. If I had to quote something that has really made an impact on me, it would be: “And in order to find pleasure in food, we have to stop looking outward at what other’s are doing and instead hone into our own body’s wisdom.”
It has taken me a long time to find inner peace regarding body image & food choices. And I guess I’m not the only one, because we live in a society that has become so wrapped on things we should be doing instead of on things our bodies need that we’ve completely lost touch with our own bodies’ demands and needs.
However, I’m endlessly thankful because thanks to you and other amazing intuitive eating & health-based bloggers such as Rachael (https://www.rachaelhartleynutrition.com/) and Kylie (http://immaeatthat.com/), I’ve been able to connect with my body’s real needs again. I believe the work you all three have put into your websites – along with some others, don’t get me wrong, you three are just my favourite – is really beautiful & a good reason to be thankful for.
So, a biiiig THANK YOU for showing me the way to inner peace. You’re such beautiful souls!! As always, I’m soo looking forward to reading more from you. Best wishes xx
This is so, so wonderful Robyn! I have about 30 tabs open of your recent posts and having reading non-stop since discovering your blog – I cannot get enough 🙂 Thank you for another wonderful article!
Oh I’m so glad you are enjoying Anna! Thank you for reading!
Over time, with practice and self-compassion, you can develop a healthier relationship with food and your body, one that prioritizes your well-being and enjoyment over external pressures and judgments.