It was SEVENTY degrees here on Wednesday this week. Do I live in New England or Georgia? It was like a little pocket of happy nestled into a very long winter. Although it actually hasn’t been as bad or cold as I thought. I’ve told myself not to expect spring temps until May so the high sixties in February made for so much happy.
How’s your week been? How are YOU? I feel like as February draws to a close and we get into into March it can feel like this slog of winter. And sometimes it’s the littlest of things that can bring the most joy…but we often have to search a little harder. Anyone else feel like this?
I’ve noticed recently that by 6ish am the sun is rising outside our back windows and so I sit there on the edge of the bed and watch before I stumble to the bathroom, brush my teeth and pour a cup of coffee. I’ve discovered watching that sunrise when the skies are clear enough to see it, grounds and roots me in my day and what matters.
I heard once that happiness is when reality and expectations meet. This has been a long and painful process, but I feel like I’m just recently starting to realize what healthy expectations are. And it’s helped me find so much more happiness in my day to day life. This sounds silly…but simply releasing the expectation to complete my to do list every day has made me so much happier. 1) my to do lists are wildly unrealistic and 2) the world still spins at the end of the day no matter what I do or don’t get done.
Before I launched the online course last Friday I had a very honest conversation with myself. I set a very low, yet hopeful goal for how many people I hoped would sign up and find the course helpful. I’m not a business woman by default (I feel like I’ve been forced into it more because I love this work and helping women through this platform and in private practice) so promoting something I’ve created doesn’t feel natural for me. Happiness = reality + expectations…I feel so happy about launching the course and 10000x more grateful that you guys have signed up – so thank you. I hope you find it healing and freeing and so helpful.
It’s also taken me almost 29 years to let go of this fantasy of have of moving about my day is this structured, perfectly productive way. In my fantasy land, I would wake up without snoozing, not open my phone until after reading the bible for a bit, leisurely make breakfast and then get dressed + ready for the day before starting work early and staying 100% focused, take a 30 minute lunch break, and then get back to work until 5 or 6pm. And obviously my entire to do list would be checked off.
Reality is snoozing 3x until Nick comes back in and wakes me up, I brush teeth with eyes squinted, find a cup of coffee on the counter and then before I know it I’m answering text messages and scrolling through Instagram… 20 minutes later I’m like, WHAT IS HAPPENING?! …toss my phone to the other side of the couch and open my bible. Some days are easier to focus on what I’m reading than others. And by some I mean a few.
Most days I’m continually pulling myself back to the present instead of thinking about my to do list for the day. I eat breakfast and then 3 hours later find myself still in my pajamas, reheating that second cup of coffee in the microwave and making my way through my to do list way slower than anticipated. Some days are smoother than others, but most days…this is actually how it goes. Lately, I’ve accepted that maybe…just maybe, Robyn, this isn’t you needing to “be more productive, be more focused, be more disciplined.” Maybe this is you needing to alter your expectations. Maybe you need to create more space to accept and be you. To fully allow yourself (without the…”well I should”…) to be the unstructured, free flowing, stay-in-your-pjs and write blog posts and see clients in the morning while reheating cold coffee and THAT IS OKAY.
Anyone else throwing up praise hand emojis? If I’m the only one, that’s okay too.
Boston is becoming less lonely, less unknown. Instead it’s beginning to feel more familiar and like a community. The other day Nick and I were strolling around the neighborhood after dinner (something that sounds all relaxing and zen but really we do this like once a month if we’re lucky) and Nick asked, “Do you still feel lonely here?” And I had to stop and think because I hadn’t actually realized the shift that had started to take place. I’m 100% certain it’s not because we’ve made 10 friends and found a church and now feel all established and stuff. I’m certain it’s because I’ve started to settle into a different pace of life. I was (and to some extent still am) letting New York melt off. This past season of life – changing careers, nursing school, single to married, living in bustling Manhattan, a zillion friends and committments, chasing after time and my to do list – I’m slowing releasing it. And it feels nice to welcome in a new pace.
So I think I’m feeling less lonely and more settled because my expectations of community and friendship and life rhythms are aligning with my reality. I’m learning the beauty in moving through my days with more intention, the joy that can be found in the mundane things, the richness of feeling deeply known by a few friends, and the adventure + pure contentment that seeps in when life is less planned and filled with to-dos. I’m learning that community and relationships are going to look different in this new place and new pace and new season of life… and that different is okay. Actually, it’s good.
Where are some areas of life that could use some shifting of expectations for you? Maybe it’s your body, the meaning of healthy (what does healthy mean anyway?), your career, being a mom, your social life and so much more. Share in the comments – we’re all in this together. <3
All the praise hand emojis!! I agree with so much of this having moved this year to a new town myself. Thank you for your honesty! 🙂
Side note: I know you mentioned you checked out Reunion a few weeks ago; I used to attend in Boston (honestly it’s one of the things I miss the most!) so if you have any questions let me know! Hope you have a great weekend!!
🙂 hopping your transition is smooth as well! Have a wonderful weekend !
Your such a good person! You have been raised by a wonderful mother/BBF with the highest of morals and values. Give yourself a break You do so much alo I can say is enjoy the journey because the means are so much more important then the end. Embrace your free spirit. Take it from a transformed Type A into a blissful free spirit A lot of time wasted on things that don’t matter two minutes later. Rock your world girl , you own your own destiny❤️
<3 <3
Raising my hands! This hit me. I have such high expectations for myself and rarely meet them…which leads to me being very unhappy. It’s hard to know when to lower expectations and when to push yourself a little farther.
I think it’s thinking about what matters and if those expectations are helping you live a more fulfilling life
LOVE your blog and feel like you’re reading my mind as you select each topic as they are so relevant and resonate with me immensely. Know you are impacting us readers in so many ways!! Have a great weekend.
So so glad that it resonates in such good timing 🙂 Have a great weekend too!
I love this!! It can be hard not to compare yourself to people who seem to have it all together and have these “perfect” lives. But then I remind myself of the great things in my life and that I’m happy and healthy- that’s all that really matters. My expectations just need to be readjusted to fit me, not those other people!
What’s on social media is always a highlight real 🙂
I loved this post. I feel like this speaks so much to where I am in life right now (or at least, trying to be) as I enter my mid-twenties. I’ve spent so much of my early adult life already being so hard on myself in so many ways, and I’m only realizing it lately.
I don’t have to have it all together all the time or be ‘productive’ at all times — relaxing or slowing down doesn’t equal laziness, and I’m not doing something wrong if I don’t have to get everything done that I plan to get done.
I don’t need to cook every meal or work out as much as I used to feel like I should. Those things should serve me, not the other way around.
I don’t need to focus on how my body looks, but rather I should focus on how I feel…taking steps related to wellness (food, movement, sleep) to feel good or better is wildly different than taking steps to change something that’s currently ‘wrong’ or needs fixing. For example, I’m hoping to exercise more when my work stops being crazy, because I’m finding that I miss having it as part of my week and the benefits of how it makes me feel, not because I feel shame for not doing so. And that difference is huge for me.
What I’m currently struggling with is if something is new to me, at work for example if I’ve never done a certain project before and thus am learning as I go…I don’t need to be good at it right away. I don’t need to know every next step or the answer to every question. It’s okay to learn and try things…and even fail too. If I’m being logical and kind to myself, it’s quite literally impossible to know exactly what I’m doing with something that I’ve never done before! And does it serve me to be hard on myself, or make the work come to me any more easily? Nope. So, that’s a work in progress.
In any case, so much of this mindset shift comes from engaging with content from people like you who are honest and providing a positive space for these kinds of discussions, so thank you. I’m so happy you’re feeling less lonely in Boston, I felt the same way when I moved here — I hope to run into you sometime and thank you in person 🙂
Yes yes yes all the things you are letting go of!
I don’t need to know every next step or the answer to every question. It’s okay to learn and try things…and even fail too.
Couldn’t agree more with that statement. I’m so glad you feel the comfort to process through these things in this space – that’s my hope. <3 Please say hi if we bump into each other!!
I love this post. I feel like you’re my future self in a way, so I really value what you right. I’m 23 and just moved to New York City last week. Your words mean so much and help me through all the little difficulties of navigating my early 20s and living in the city. I too am still learning how to let go of my crazy expectations and just let life happen more. I know I’m going to have to do that here in the city A LOT just to stay happy. <3
*write!
Oh girl give yourself SO MUCH GRACE with this transition to New York – it’s a whirlwind you never expect. Enjoy the ride!!
I LOVE when you said some days are easier to focus than others (: I always find my mind wandering when I do prayer list/devotions to things like “what should I make for dinner tonight”, or “I really need to call that person back” (: I’m constantly reminding myself to FOCUS. But then there is a morning like today after a week that has kicked my butt where I can’t focus, but say a prayer to find happiness in the chaos & you post this & it speaks to my soul (: Always look forward to your posts & love that the bring out the best in me (:
I’m so glad this post was timely for you <3 Know you are so not alone in the mind wandering...that's me like all. the. time. happy weekend!!
Even though you may not feel like you always have it all together, I want you to know that, you are seriously a huge inspiration for me career-wise. And you continue to be, even though you are apparently releasing all these expectations of yourself 🙂 You are so hardworking, yet still so focused on helping others. That alone is commendable!
This post came at a really good time for me. I’m having a hard time releasing expectations–in fact, I spend most of my days beating myself up for my perceived failures. I’ve been out of a permanent job for months now and I am incredibly discouraged. I feel like I’ve wasted so much time, whatever that means. I just had this vision for my life and my reality looks nothing like it. Maybe you’re right…I have to let go of these false (and VERY high) expectations of myself. They are certainly not helping me achieve anything, as I get so paralyzed by fear that I won’t be able to reach them.
Thanks for the food for thought!
You are so kind Caitlyn – thank you for the encouragement. I don’t have it all together but I think that’s the beauty of realizing we’re human…we can create influence without “having it all together” or be perfect.
I’m giving you a giant hug and hoping you can extend a lot of kindness and compassion to yourself. <3
I read this the other day and it has stuck with me: where you think you need more self-discipline you usually need more self-love. I think it fits here. Just like hating your body doesn’t make it thinner or you happier, berating yourself for not being a productivity robot doesn’t make you one. I usually pick one thing that MUST get done that day. I make that my mindset and then anything else is just a bonus.
I LOVE THAT. So much. Writing that down.
I can relate to this so much! I’ve definitely been having to search a little harder for joy lately. I’m so ready for spring/SUN! Also I was laughing about the Bible/Instagram thing in the morning because I totallyyy do that too hahaha
haha it’s sooooo hard to stay focused!
“chasing after time and my to do list” — isn’t it so easy to get bogged down in this? It sure is for me, especially on the weekends I feel like I’m just trying to carve out time. To be honest, I feel like Boston is still a little high intensity for this midwestern girl, so I need to change my expectations of feeling 100% relaxed and comfortable at all times.
In some ways my expectations I force upon myself are kind of the opposite of yours.I am hyper-disciplined. I’m motivated and get a lot done, but it has led me to an unhealthy balance in the past (hello, ED). Something that I’m trying to do is let some of it go and let God’s grace do some of the work instead. But, I’m also accepting that some of my self-discipline is part of who I am. I love structure. I love going to bed early and waking up early. I like coming home to the book I’ve been planning to read instead of going out with friends sometimes. I’m not particularly spontaneous. And I’m learning to accept that part of myself that enjoys structure and balancing that with the rest of my life. I try to remember that I don’t have to let my life control me, I can choose how I want to live, and there is freedom in that. Have a lovely weekend, Robyn!
Oh My goodness, I’m a long time reader but have. Never commented before. I love your blog, your life posts, your food posts, and the posts that really hit my heart and my mind. This was something I really needed to read, like years and years ago. But I probably wouldn’t have been open to this mindset years ago. Thank you for this. I need to change my expectations, expecially my expectations of myself. I am not disappointing myself if not everything geyser done or if it doesn’t go my way, the world will go on and I will still be loved! Thank you!!!!
LOVED this post! This is something I have been thinking about lately and also about being proud of yourself for what you do accomplish and what you put effort into, even if it doesn’t work out perfectly in the short – term. Thanks for sharing your thoughts/experiences as always, its really enriching to read!
Thanks for this reminder, Robyn. My mornings lately have been similar–expecting to get up early and get all this stuff done, and then when I don’t get it all done, thinking of it as “wasting my time.” And I beat myself up about this all the time. It’s so unhealthy. Why can’t I just say, “On mornings when I don’t teach, I’ll get stuff done in my own time.” I think it’ll take a lot of practice to let that mindset sink in.
Glad you feel like you’re settling into life in Boston! Enjoy the warm weather! We had high of 66 last weekend and I got out for an awesome bike ride, but since then it’s been back down into the 20s and lots of snow. Sigh.
There’s a song by Amanda Palmer called ‘In my min’ that is exactly about what you described and I absolutely love it. I’ll include the lyrics here, maybe they speak to you too 🙂 :
In a future five years from now
I’m one hundred and twenty pounds
And I never get hung over
Because I will be the picture of discipline
Never minding what state I’m in
And I will be someone I admire
And it’s funny how I imagined
That I would be that person now
But it does not seem to have happened
Maybe I’ve just forgotten how to see
That I am not exactly the person that I thought I’d be
And in my mind
In the faraway here and now
I’ve become in control somehow
And I never lose my wallet
Because I will be the picture of of discipline
Never fucking up anything
And I’ll be a good defensive driver
And it’s funny how I imagined
That I would be that person now
But it does not seem to have happened
Maybe I’ve just forgotten how to see
That I’ll never be the person that I thought I’d be
And in my mind
When I’m old I am beautiful
Planting tulips and vegetables
Which I will mindfully watch over
Not like me now
I’m so busy with everything
That I don’t look at anything
But I’m sure I’ll look when I am older
And it’s funny how I imagined
That I could be that person now
But that’s not what I want
But that’s what I wanted
And I’d be giving up somehow
How strange to see
That I don’t wanna be the person that I want to be
And in my mind
I imagine so many things
Things that aren’t really happening
And when they put me in the ground
I’ll start pounding the lid
Saying I haven’t finished yet
I still have a tattoo to get
That says I’m living in the moment
And it’s funny how I imagined
That I could win this, win this fight
But maybe it isn’t all that funny
That I’ve been fighting all my life
But maybe I have to think it’s funny
If I wanna live before I die
And maybe it’s funniest of all
To think I’ll die before I actually see
That I am exactly the person that I want to be
Fuck yes
I am exactly the person that I want to be
my goodness…your posts seriously come at the best times in my life, perfect relevance to my days, i swear! i needed this today, and it is spot. ON. i was really getting down (and often do most weekends) on myself for not doing everything that needs done, despite just wanted to lay around for awhile and do nothing bc i’m so tired and worn out from the week. i know its ok to do, to listen to my body, do a less intense workout, leave the dishes, etc etc, but you put it so eloquently and so have the above comments. i need to calm down my workout expectations sometimes–something is better than nothing!–and work, too. lots of shit going on right now on the work front, but this helps calm down my anxieties a bit. great post 🙂
so glad this resonated for you adrianna 🙂 we are all human
🙌🏼🙌🏼 My whole life could use some shifting of expectations. I feel like it’s very easy to get overwhelmed with all the things I should be doing, which then leads to me doing nothing. I feel like I need to love every class and go all out for every assignment. I feel like I should be developing friendships, though it’s so time consuming and energy draining. I need to get better sleep. ETC. Anyways, thanks for the post. I just need to rely on God and ask him what He wants me to get done today.
You’re a girl after my own heart Robyn, reading your blog the past few years has helped me feel so much more freedom in who Jesus made me and to adjust my expectations and give myself a shizzzton of grace. Thanks for keeping it real and helping a sister out! (PRAISE HANDS) <3
Thank you, Robyn! I’m finding myself in the comparison/expectations trap a lot lately as I’m trying to create a different kind of life and get out of the 9-5 rut. Like, can I do this? Am I good enough? Everyone else is so much better/talented/more successful/further ahead of me! But I can only take things step by step. It’s helpful to hear that we all go through this!
Wow. seriously great post—this really resonates with me. Thank you for writing this and for promoting positive vibes always. <3