Being in a place where you want to learn intuitive eating and stop dieting, but also lose weight is pretty normal place to be in this journey. Desiring weight loss is mainstream in our culture, so if you desire to lose weight, that makes sense. In fact, expected. That doesn’t mean intuitive eating is a means to weight loss – it is not at all and if you see it marketed as that, that’s called a diet and not intuitive eating – but I think it’s normal for someone to be grappling with wanting to change their body, but also wanting to find freedom with food. You can be in that tough, tense space and wrestle with these concepts…that’s part of the process. And you can still want to change your body when you begin body image work. That’s normal. The tough part is coming to a place where you’re no longer actively pursuing weight loss or changing your body. Attempting to manipulate your body will get in the way of your IE journey and your ability to work towards body tolerance and acceptance. If you’re not there yet, that is okay. You’re right where you need to be and giving yourself time and space to wrestle through that is really important.
Body image work is hard. And it’s far more complex than, “love yourself.” It’s messy and uncomfortable and at times scary and there’s a large dose of uncertainty. In reality, many of us will never love our bodies. We can work towards acceptance and appreciation and caring of our bodies…but in order to have healthy body image you don’t have to love your body. That’s a high expectation that some will experience, but it isn’t a requirement for healthy body image.
A big part of the intuitive eating and body acceptance journey is letting go of and grieving the thin ideal. Or if you already live or have lived in a small body, letting go of your “thinner” body that once way or that is currently unsustainable. In order to find acceptance, we often have to go through a grieving process.
You might grieve the social events, relationships or other things you missed out on while dieting and being consumed with your body and weight. You might grieve all the time and energy you spent working toward an ideal weight or body size that wasn’t sustainable and that is now changing. You might feel grief over the possibility that yo-yo dieting increased your set point due to weight cycling. Maybe you’re grieving the physical harm done to your body through dieting, over exercising, laxative abuse, or other harmful behaviors. It can be really hard to come to terms with a medical diagnosis caused by these behaviors. I’ve had several clients share with me that after they became pregnant without the help of fertility treatments because their fertility struggles were caused by nutrition/exercise choices, they were really sad and angry about what they had put their body through with diet and exercise. Perhaps you’ve dreamed off all the things you would do once you got to ___ weight or body size or how you would feel when you were ___ body size. Maybe you have fantasized about life simply being better or your problems going away once you lost the weight.
Letting go of the person you have dreamed of being can literally feel like losing a close person in your life. Accepting that no matter your body size, you are still you and you still have to deal with the mental and emotional problems in your life no matter what your body size can be really hard. But letting go of these things allows you to actually begin living your life. It allows you to begin showing up for yourself. Contrary to what we think, we actually have very little control over our bodies – unless we are willing to do extreme things which sometimes people are willing to do for a short time, but not for life. Genetics are powerful. And our socioeconomic status, ethnicity, and race are a few of many other factors that greatly affect our body size and health, but that we actually have very little or no control over at all.
There is a level of uncertainty to the journey towards intuitive eating. I tell my clients that there are 3 possibilities with your body when you embark on IE and letting go of dieting – your body can get smaller, stay the same, or your body will get larger. There are no guarantees in the journey and that can be terrifying. But what IS worthwhile is choosing to engage in behaviors that honor your health and help you care for your entire self – body, mind and soul – versus choosing behaviors to manipulate your body size. It might get better before it gets worse, but in the long run it is so worth it.
I read a post a few months ago by my RD friend and colleague, Rachel Hartley on moving through the stages of grief when it comes to body acceptance that I would highly recommend reading. This process is an ebb and flow. This ebb and flow is why I say we never really arrive. There’s no finish line. Life is always changing and there were be times in our lives when things happen that make us really vulnerable to negative thoughts about our body or make us want to go back to dieting or exercising unhealthily.
What I found to be really helpful in my journey and what many other women have found helpful is writing down all the things you lose by trying to control or being obsessed with your body size. Diet culture is really alluring and enticing. It shows you all the positives (that are often unrealistic and untrue) and none of the negative. That diet your friend is on sounds so good when you’re feeling uncomfortable in your body. But what would you lose or what would you have to sacrifice to get there? What would you miss out on? How would your relationships be affected? What do you want to remember in the years to come – obsessing about food and your body or living your life in a meaningful and purposeful way?
It’s okay if you aesthetically prefer your former body or if you aesthetically prefer a fantasized thin body you’ve never had. I think you can prefer that body, but accept and appreciate the body you do have at the same time. We can hold them both. I prefer my smaller body, but the sacrifices I would have to make to get there are 1000% not worth it to me and I much prefer the whole person that I am in the body I live in today. Nothing is worth the feeling of truly and fully living.
Maybe you’re on your intuitive eating journey, but deep down holding onto hope that one day you’ll fit back into those shorts you once wore. Maybe you’re eating more flexibly than you have in the past, so things are better, but you’re still thinking about your body often and terrified of it changing. Maybe you’re scared that you’ll never be able to stop eating if you fully embrace intuitive eating and walk that path, or maybe you’re terrified your body will never stop gaining if you truly let go of control. Those are real and honest feelings and you are not alone in that. I would really encourage you to dig deep into the Intuitive Eating and Health At Every Size (HAES) concepts.
The books, Intuitive Eating, Health At Every Size and Body Respect are great places to start. HAES and IE do not mean, “eat whatever you want and be happy” Both concepts are very concerned with physical health while also being concerned with one’s mental and emotional wellbeing…which ultimately impact physical health. In the same breath, I recognize that embracing IE and HAES for me, in a culturally accepted thin body, didn’t come with the added layer of stigma and oppression that it would have if I was living in a larger body. Embracing this concepts can be really hard so give yourself time and space and safe people to process this with.
Letting go is a key part of being able to come to peace with your body and food. It’s hard and it’s scary and it’s uncertain, but you’ll never know how full and meaningful life could be until you release the grip of diet culture and decide to give yourself the opportunity to experience what that life might look like.
I’d love to hear your thoughts and own experiences in the comments <3
Robyn – thank you for always being so authentic with your posts. I also still prefer my thinner body, which feels crazy to me because I KNOW how unhealthy I had to be in order to maintain it. But the fact is, I found (and still find) that thinner body aesthetically pleasing. I will occasionally see a picture of myself in a smaller body and old thoughts will creep back in about wanting to be thinner. Luckily, I can quickly catch these thoughts & I remind myself how I felt back then. The smile I had in those old photos was masking all the fear, pain, isolation, and self-hatred that I was experiencing. I never want to go back to that place. No body size is worth living half of a life.
It’s human to prefer your thinner body because we live in a culture that really values thinness. BUT you have learned such powerful skills Miley to combat those thoughts. Thank you for encouraging others with your comment about what is really worthwhile <3
This is absolutely what I am working on right now, so I feel like this post was speaking to me. Thanks for the awesome post, Robyn. You’re such an inspiration to my journey 🙂
So glad this resonated Michelle!
Thank you! I haven’t heard much about this aspect of intuitive eating and really appreciate it. I’m struggling a lot with my body size, in part because I am pretty confident that I’m above my “set point” right now. I was on bed rest, injured, and emotionally eating to cope with that and gained a significant amount of weight in a short period of time. I don’t want to focus on weight loss, but I have comfort in knowing that it might occur. I try not to let that sabotage me. I am trying to keep my focus on building up my endurance and energy levels and learning some other coping methods versus focusing on losing weight… my body will take care of itself and get to the right size for my life right now.
Thinking of you Abby and hoping for quick healing from your injury!
I am totally in this space of believing in HAES and Intuitive Eating while also struggling to find body acceptance. Of course with my all-or-nothing brain, I don’t just want body acceptance, I want full-on body love. I want to look at myself and see a beautiful, sexy woman no matter my size and shape. Sometimes I feel sad for not being there yet. I also worry that my struggle to get pregnant is still my fault because of this. I have put on weight, eat more and more consistently than I have in years, regained my period, but it’s just not happening. My luteal phase is super short and I am afraid it’s because I added back in low-intensity exercise that I don’t want to have to give up again for fear that I will put on even more weight. My brain is a constant back-and-forth between: love your body! don’t put on more weight! you are ruining your chances of ever having a family! It’s exhausting and I hate that I still care so much about my physical appearance. Anorexia has taken 17 years of my life and I want to fully experience the rest without it. I want to hopefully show my children that different shapes and sizes of people are beautiful, but it is how you conduct yourself and what values you have that really represent who you are. All that to say, thank you for this post. Freedom from restriction and exercise dependence is scary, but I truly think the body image piece is the hardest part.
Hi Hillary – oh my heart goes out to you. YOU ARE BRAVE for continuing in this process. I know it is frustrating but reading your comment I was thinking “she has come so far!” Keep wrestling with these thoughts and fighting the good fight. You are not alone, this is hard, yet courageous work. <3
Absolutly love this whole post!! Me too on the like my body better smaller, but not my life (:
<3
I’m sad when I look back and see the years and years I wasted, avoiding fun activities and denying myself nice clothes, because I was waiting until I lost weight (or more weight). I spent most of my teens, twenties, and thirties taking up brain space with food and exercise obsessing.
Oh how so many women can relate Susan <3
I am 1000% in this mindset right now, thank you so much for this post. I have really tried to embrace “caring” for my body over “loving” it right now, because it feels a lot more attainable. Something that has really helped me has been seeing the results of happy/balanced hormones as I gain weight and eat more. My periods are soooo much more regular and PMS symptoms are way more mild, and that is enough to keep me going on this journey!
Another thing that really helps me is to think of my body being in a certain “life stage”. This jumps off from your content about how our bodies are *supposed* to change! In our 20s and 30s, reproduction is heavily prioritized, and if we support it by taking care of ourselves, that’s how we’ll feel our best. That’s just science. Embracing this stage (even though I’m not trying to get pregnant!) has been huge for me. Whether I like it or not, my body wants to practice getting pregnant every single month, and I can get on board with that or pretend it’s not happening. Working with my body is so much easier than working against it! I hope to apply this as I age, to late 30s, early 40s, menopause and beyond.
Thank you so much Mary for sharing your experience and some things that have been helpful for you. I know this is going to help so many readers seeing your comment!
Working with my body is so much easier than working against it! –> YES
Hi Robyn, I love this post! It rings so true. I’m about 5 and a half years into IE now (with lots of ups and downs along the way, but finally in a stable place). For most of that time I was still grappling with everything you wrote about here – wanting to love myself, but still telling myself “oh but if my legs were thinner…” Very tough stuff to grapple with and it took a lot of soul searching.
What helps me now is always bringing it back to my values. I still have days when I look at myself and get sad or disappointed. After this long process though, now when I’m disappointed I ask myself – “what values am I neglecting right now?” One of my core values is finding time to walk, hike, and spend time in nature. It bring me so much joy, and honors my body, mind and spirit. Most times, I’ve realized, when I’m angry with my body, it’s because I’m not engaging in the activities I need to live out my values. Once I get in touch with that, it’s less about how my body looks, and more about how I’m choosing to experience life. It helps to bring me out of the sad-panic-diet cycle that would have happened before. And of course it’s different for everyone! 🙂
Thank you so much Alexa for sharing what has been helpful for you!! So encouraging to hear your story <3
This post could not come at a better time. I was thinner in high school and lost weight with trying to a degree. I worked out 4 days a week and actually enjoyed it, I didn’t weigh myself, and I added more fruit into my diet, but I also ate things I enjoyed. I still long for that body and hope to get it back one day, I feel like that is where my natural set point was, but I know I should let that go and accept the body I’m in now. I still have all of those clothes that I hope to fit into one day in boxes. I wish my mindset was back in that place again. That is when I felt my best.
I hear you Victoria and grieving your high school body can be so hard. Remember that women’s bodies are suppose to change from our teen years. We go through puberty and shift into adulthood 🙂
What a truly beautiful post! Thank you for writing this :). I completely agree that “love your body” has been blown out of proportion. We don’t have to “love our body” but we can come to acceptance with it.
agreed!
Oh, I so needed to hear this post today! Especially with it Summer, I think the influence and pressure for bodies to be a certain size is more apparent that any other time of the year. I like what you write here about recoginizing that this is a process, that it’s never really a finish line. It makes me think about the Stages of Change and how even in the Maintenance Stage, the person is STILL practicing the healthy behaviors that helped them to change in the first place. It makes sense that our fears and grief would still come up. Just because they come up, doesn’t mean we have to act on them. It’s more about challenging them.
Summer can be such a vulnerable time! Yes thoughts are just things our brain is offering up
Prob the best blog post I have ever read. Ever! Robyn, thank you. It is so helpful to get glimpses into the raw humanity of others’ thoughts whenngojng through life. I feel like it is all too easy to idealize others when we are looking on from the outside, but the reality is that we all have the same thoughts and fears going through our heads on the inside, thanks to the pervasive cultural messages we hear daily. Thank you for giving a voice to those thoughts — it is affirming to normalize the worda going through my head, knowing that the exact same words are going through others’ minds as well!
So glad you enjoyed it Cassidy!! You are so NOT alone!
I’ve been working on my IE journey for over a year now with the help of an IE RD (who is FANTASTIC). I’ve had a baby in the process and am now post partum. The problem that I’m having lately is that I kind of feel like being thinner IS actually worth all of the sacrifices, because my unhappiness with my body is affecting me daily. I’m hoping this is just a bump in the road, but I miss feeling good/confident in my skin.
I’m going to encourage you Cooper to keep working at this – I HEAR YOU in your unhappiness. But body image healing doesn’t happen by changing our bodies because then what happens if our bodies change down the road (they will, because everyone is aging) I’m rooting for you and I’m so glad you are working with an amazing RD!
So I understand what you’re saying about preferring a thinner body but at the same time accepting and not trying to change your current body.
My question though is that if it’s true all bodies are beautiful why do most people find thinner bodies more appealing? Do you think this is solely culturally learned? I guess my question is are some people naturally blessed with thinner (more attractive bodies) in the same way that some people are born with amazing singing voices and the rest of us just have to accept and do the best with what we have, acknowledging that we were not given the same genes someone else was?
Culture. A really good book you might find helpful is Body of Truth. Highly recommend!
I really needed to read this post today and it could not have come at a better time! I’m starting back on my intuitive eating/health at every size journey. It’s been a struggle tole accepting that I needed to buy some different clothing (and spending the money to buy those items) and not critiquing my body for the changes. I do not love my body now, but I am actively trying not to lose the weight and go on any sort of extreme diet or exercise plan- just intuitive eating and movement. Thank you for sharing your wisdom, Robyn! You help so many!
I do not love my body now, but I am actively trying not to lose the weight and go on any sort of extreme diet or exercise plan –> those behaviors of not actively trying to lose weight are a huge step Kara! I am cheering you on!
Love this post. Thank you for sharing and being so open and honest!
Glad you enjoyed Alli!
Hi Robyn,
Congratulations on your baby first of all! I had my first back in November and it has been the most rewarding (and challenging!) experience so far. I have wanted to ask you a question about IE for awhile but I’m coming from a different end of the spectrum than (i assume) many of your readers/ clients. Without getting into too much detail, do you think it’s possible to lose “neccessary” weight without actually dieting? I say necessary because i am legitimately way over a healthy weight (especially after baby) and I do work with a dietitian but my relationship with food has been up and down all my life. I was overweight all my life. I once lost 100lbs but in a very bad restrictive way that took over my life then gained it back. I don’t ever want to go down that road again, and pre baby lost 50lbs in a very slow but healthy way. I am working on that again now, but always wonder if its possible for someone like me to ever really be intuitive while working to get to a healthy weight (I am not focused on numbers anymore, for the record) I do have the book, but i feel like there’s not much on people from my perspective. I did ask my own dietitian, but she kinda brushed it off. Sorry so long, but i love what you have to say about food & life in general and was curious to know your thoughts!
Take care,
Melissa
I think you have expressed this notion of not needing to LOVE your body before, and I remember what a lightbulb moment it was for me when I first read that. I loved reading it again in this post… it was great timing for me to get this reminder!! I appreciate you sharing your own personal struggles with this because sometimes I forget that you are human too and I just assume that you must love your body!
Also- normally I read these posts first thing in the morning when I am at work, but now because I have the summer off (perks of being an educator) I have been on my computer a lot less consistently. I loved reading this a couple days late and getting to read all the responses from your other readers. Ladies, we are not alone!!! It’s comforting and also saddening to realize how much we all struggle with body image. Simultaneously breaks my heart and fills it with love for all women out there. Thank you, Robyn, for providing us such a great space to connect!!!
In a big way, I find myself, more and more grieving what I did to my body during the 10 year of restriction and eating disordered thoughts that were pretty heavy and hard. I look back at myself, and there are twinges of wanting to back to that thinner body, but most of me is SO happy to let that go. I’m so happy and thankful to be over with that stage of my life and healing! I think I might say that I’m in the more final stages of grief over letting go of that pre-teen body, letting go of that during ED body.
<3 I love how you described it as the different stages of grief and learning to go through those.
I would say in a huge way I'm at the place where I love how my body is so much stronger and less tired than it used to be.
Interestingly, I see pictures of my thin body and actually recoil a little. It makes me angry that I got compliments when I should have gotten questions asking if I was OK, if I was eating enough, if i was exercising too much. I’m not blaming my friends or family but I’m angry with diet culture for making that body so attractive and making my behaviors so praised when I was in a living hell/prison inside my own mind. Unfortunately, people close to me still don’t know the extent to which my disordered eating and fear of weight gain were crippling my life and they still think that body size was a sign of me being “so healthy” so I’m inspired and encouraged to keep sharing my story and help people understand.
Those are total normal and valid feelings Savannah and I can 100% understand that. Diet culture will applaud thinness and weight loss at ANY cost and it is so harmful. Thank you for sharing this perspective!
I need to go back to this post – and all these comments above – on the daily. This was the most powerful form of inspiration I’ve read in a long time. Thank you, Robyn.
Great article. Sharing. It’s like you wrote exactly what I needed to read this morning. 💜
Thank you for writing this Robyn. I definitely occasionally have those thoughts, like wow, I did it once I can definitely do it again. Should I do it again? Then I can feel perhaps more confident in absolutely anything I wear. But then with that comes the memories of all the horrible anxiety, the lack of personality, the constant feeling of being not enough, and I’m like….yeahhhhh NO. Our body size is not even close to the most important thing to a fulfilling and happy life and so is really not worth putting so much energy and stress into.
I really like your blog/website and it’s helping me a lot. I am struggling with still wanting a thinner body because I never really worried about my weight until very recently, when I went through a lot of stress and also hit middle age. All of sudden, within 2 months I put on 25+ pounds. I am a stay at home, homeschooling mom to two special needs kids and so the stress continues as does my emotional eating and use of food as a coping mechanism. I also had gone through some periods of food choice deprivation when my kids were infants because I was breastfeeding and they both had extreme food sensitivities so my diet had to be very narrow to keep them health (basically just chicken and rice for months). My oldest also has multiple life threatening food allergies so there are foods we just don’t eat or keep in the house anymore to keep him safe. ANYWAY, I guess what I am saying is it feels so hard to pick through all this and accept that I have to be bigger now because there are so many pieces to it. Part of it is society and vanity, part of it is stress, part of it feels unfair. I am not sure where to start. But I really miss my smaller body and maybe admitting that is the first step to accepting that it won’t change.
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